it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.