Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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