everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
