I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
