Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
