So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
