eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
