1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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