I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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