If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
