didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
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Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
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Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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