mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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