shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
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He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
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Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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