drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I didn't notice because vodka
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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