well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
