I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
