Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
