I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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