you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
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My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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