he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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