Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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