You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
