nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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