last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
