I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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