R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
