I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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