"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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