When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
