Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
