just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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