Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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