I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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