either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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