Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
