Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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