he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
