Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
you made out with another girl for some wings
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
