Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
