When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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