I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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