I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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