Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
