i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
