do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
