the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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