every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
