I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
