i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
