I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
