I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
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The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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