I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
