Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
